Silence

A few weeks ago (may be it was a month ago?) I briefly wrote about the goings on with my son and how much I hate mental illness.  The "goings on" continue through today.

Unfortunately, time is not always the best healer.  Sometimes the more time involved not mending a relationship can intensify the pain and deepen the damage.

Even if he apologized today, I would not trust him.  Even if he apologized tonight, my heart would be guarded.  I do not think I can handle one more of these melt-downs he has.  At least not today or this week or this month.

My son will be 27 years old.  He should be mature enough, responsible enough, man enough to make this right.  But, it seems like he stopped growing emotionally when he was 15 and the mental illness took over.  I keep reminding myself of this to avoid extreme hardness and loud anger.  My losing it surely will not help him or rebuild from the splinter of the bridge left.

Since a few weeks ago he has included my husband in his rants.  The worst came via text message, all in caps (of course meaning he was yelling), addressed to my husband saying "you stole my Mommy" and "you changed her forever into a cold, hard-hearted person."  Twist the knife he did.  He keeps flipping back and forth between delusional and crying out, then becomes abusive in his conversations.  

I realize that my son must be hurting deeply.  This melt-down has been the worst between us and I do fear the worst because I have not seen him quite this way before.  The math equation of mental illness+drugs+alcohol+the loss of a father+the abuse of a step father+terrible choices and life experiences=his lashing out at me.  But, I can no longer tolerate his treatment and words this way.  Each day that goes by where we do not talk, I cannot see his face or hear his voice, or even know how he is doing is very difficult and painful.  I am choosing silence. If that makes me cold and hard-hearted, then so be it.  I hope one day he will come to his senses and realize how much his family loves him.  I hope one day he will come to his senses and realize the preciousness of being loved.  I hope and pray daily that his difficult life and mindset does not take him away before being well.  I will continue to hope, yet will remain silent until he makes amends.  He usually does, but not yet, not this time.

~Wendy

Fathers and Daughters...

This picture represents what I saw in my heart a little while ago: me.  But, as a brunette.  I am a brunette, but this picture reflects what I am seeing and feeling right now.

I read a literary piece today called "A Father's Story," by Andre Dubus.  It is powerful.  At least to me it spoke volumes, but volumes I really can't understand, only would wish for.  This kind of love from a father.  At least not in this lifetime nor in this realm will I ever have this, thus I am glad to have read the piece.  

My father is still alive and I have no doubt he would have turned me in.  No questions asked.  Which is why I have a very difficult time embracing a spiritual relationship with my "Heavenly Father" to this very day.

So, because it is such a strong, moving piece of literature, I am sharing.  I hope you take the time to read it.  You will not regret the time spent.  Trust me.

~Wendy

A Father's Story- A Short Story

Random Mystery Turd

I found a mystery turd, and it belonged not to me.

I rolled on this lone piece-of-crap, an intruder in my yard.

How could this be?  High walls and locked gaits, don’t you see?

It could not possibly be from a cat.  This turd was fresh, not dry or flat.

I rolled over it again, on to my back, 

Recognizing, enjoying the familiar scent from another time not long ago.

Of course!  An opossum was the culprit!  The mystery turd is solved.

~Buddy

The Circle

The strongest word for what I feel about mental illness is hate.  I hate mental illness.  I hate the way it leaves everything in its path obliterated, broken, bleeding.  I hate the circle, the cycle.  No doctor can cure it.  There is no miracle medication.  Only a bandage, and a temporary one at best.  Why?  

My oldest son has mental illness.  He has been given multiple diagnoses through the years: ADD, ADHD, OCD, OPD, personality disorders and bipolar I.  Lots of mania.  Some depression and suicide attempts.  Jail time, lost jobs, habitual lying, stealing, homelessness, alcohol and drug abuse, emergency room visits, pumping-the-stomach-near-death moments, self-medication, the spiraling and continuing cycle goes on.

He is 26 years old, almost 27.  Once again he flipped out last night.  When he "flips out" he goes off on me.  It usually happens when his life is out of control or he is cornered for his lies.  Last night the words hurt deep.  They always do, but last night was different.   There is no way to reach him when he is in this state.  He always apologizes, later.  He labeled me "negative", "hateful", "angry", "judgemental", "cruel" and he no longer wants a relationship with me because he is "so over it."  I still have the voice message with him in hysterics and crying and completely off.  He put his labels on to me.  I listened.  I told him I loved him.  I contacted his girlfriend.  I will wait.

It grieves me beyond my ability to say that I cannot help him, heal him or take this away.  I love him.  I have never been able to do enough, yet I have done so much.  

One thing I am thankful for is that he does not live with me. We have done this too many times.  I live with fear every day of his death by accident, suicide or foolishness.

I will not post this to Facebook, because he is there.  I only needed to briefly write how I am feeling right now.

I hate mental illness.  I am thankful for NAMI and that I am not alone in this journey.  Most of all, I can pray.  I do and I will continue.

Upping the Ante

Today is the second day my weight loss plans are haunting me, especially after last night when my husband and I consumed a large extra-buttered popcorn while seeing the move, “Argo.”  This was immediately after we had already dined at Taco Bell.  Yes, Taco Bell.  Not the healthy Cantina selection either, rather I had an Enchirito and three regular taco supremes.  I’m frustrated with myself.

Thus, the stranglehold. Wikipedia describes a stranglehold as “a grappling hold that strangles the opponent.”  The opponent for me is this unhealthy, habitual lifestyle.

I have added a few more strict steps to my plan.  I bought some weight loss shakes.  I plan on eating a healthy breakfast and substituting my lunch with a shake.  I also ordered four new teas from The Republic of Tea to re-stock my supply: Organic Double Green Matcha Tea, Dream by the Fire Red Tea, Tea of Good Tidings Full Leaf - Limited Edition and Holiday Spiced Plum Green Tea Bags.  Lucky me, they threw in six bags of complimentary Red Cherry White Tea!  I was never a fan of tea until I discovered The Republic of Tea.  The only place I know of stocking this brand is World Market and Nordstrom’s Café in Santa Barbara.  Delicious teas to make anyone a tea lover!

I also am returning to Curves first thing in the morning.  My goal is to be at their doors sharply at 6:00 a.m. Monday-Friday.  The days I do not get my brisk work out in will be the times I walk, otherwise I plan on also implementing some extra walking in with my dog, especially weekend mornings and evenings.

Lastly, I found a coach/trainer.  I will share about her later depending on if she is worth my time.  I certainly am open to some encouragement and some butt kicking.  

There.  I feel better upping the ante.  Let’s see where I am one week from now.  I do not plan on stepping on a scale, either.  I will just know by how my clothes fit and how I am feeling.  All I know is I feel disgusted when I look in the mirror!

~Wendy


Want to visit the Minister of Tea at The Republic of Tea?

Today begins green tea and walking!

I love to eat.  I also love to cook.  Mix these truths with an even greater love for wine, naturally I am over weight.  I have been struggling with creeping pounds for the last couple of years.  

I do actually eat pretty darn healthy and avoid red meat (may be once or twice a year I will splurge and have an In-N-Out burger) and greasy foods.  I also strive for balance in meals I prepare, use fresh produce and eat plenty of fish.  But, I am on some kind of fat road and not at all happy with my weight right now, nor my lifestyle, so today I have decided to blog about my decision and the necessary steps to get on a realistic track to improve my health and shed this excess fat.  And it is fat.  

Being over weight is not healthy at any age, especially at my age.  (Just turned 48).  I constantly fear heart disease or stroke.  Plus, I do not fit into most of my clothes anymore.  Not a good self-image booster.  I read a quote this week that said, “real men love curvy women.”  Nice, but not foundation material for me.  I know my efforts will have to be baby steps because if I just go all ninja with this diet regime, I will never continue.  I am aware of what I need to do, but I have continually failed.  Accountability with others and/or coaching is looking really good to me right now.  I need help!  Hence, I am blogging it, putting it on paper.

I think my age also plays a huge factor in the whys and where I am actually retaining my extra weight.  The last couple of years I have put on an extra 25 pounds and it is not moving.  (But, it moves if you poke it!)  I know that I do not get enough exercise and have increased my wine consumption.  I also have begun the joy of menopause.  From all I have researched, exercise plays the most important role in losing and maintaining weight levels.  This is where I struggle, finding that extra slot of time each day for exercise.  I must raise my metabolism.  But, did I say how much I love wine?  This will be the hardest to taper.  At least red wine is full of antioxidants, so I credit this to hardly ever being sick.

Thus, two things I am implementing effective today is the addition of green tea to my diet (at least 3 cups per day) and walking every morning or evening.  I do love to walk and always feel so good when I regularly exercise.  I need to tweak my schedule to make this possible each and every day.  Work and school keep my daily calendar strapped, and I certainly cannot give up on my sleep, in fact, I need more sleep than I already get.  I will also pay attention to drink more water, especially before meals, and reduce my portion sizes, particularly at dinner.  

Wish me luck!  

~Wendy


Health Benefits of Green Tea
http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/features/health-benefits-of-green-tea

Love for my son

This morning I watched the video of actress, Sally Field, accepting the HRC’s Ally for Equality Award on behalf of equality rights and her son, Sam introducing her, and I felt a mixture of regret, sadness and hope.  What a beautiful woman Sally Fields is, inside and out.  I wish with all my heart I would have been the kind of mother like Sally with my son, especially during his teenage years when he struggled privately with his sexual identity.  If I could go back in time and change anything in my entire life, it would be these years with him.  The past is in the past, but certainly leaves its mark.

(Video posted at conclusion)

First off, let me travel back in time, to some of my past.  I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home.  Alcoholism, violence, and just total disaccord affected the life of my brothers and I.  Trust me, we learned to keep many secrets ourselves.  One main strand that was woven through the fabric in our family was prejudice of all types, which my father strongly displayed, along with a strict Catholic and then Christian upbringing.  I have since separated “religion” from “the love of Jesus.”  Two complete polar opposites.  I grew up under judgement, fear, shame and standards that left a residue.  Hence, homosexuality was something to fear and try to change, as well as a subject I pretty much knew nothing about.  The only things I knew came from the movie, “Deliverance” and what happened to men in jail.  Never in my life did I want either of my sons going through something like this!

When I found out my son was gay, I panicked.  Literally.  I went into some kind of shock.  The past came rushing in and I had no idea how to handle anything.  I reacted instead of responding.  And nothing remotely close to resembling Sally Fields.  One struggle I did have was the war going on in my heart: my love for my son versus what I had been taught growing up and in churches.  Mix in lack of any kind of understanding or education of how someone feels coming out and their struggles made for just some despairing couple of years with my son.  In my mind, I could be the one to “save” him out of this lifestyle and it was my job to try to do this.  This was a horrendous burden to carry and even more horrendous for my son.

However, most importantly, one of my main battles was the fact that my son was having sexual encounters as a minor.  Most parents would find this difficult as well and would strive to prevent.  I do not think he realizes that it did not matter to me at the time in essence whether he was gay or straight, it was all about the sexual activity as a minor.  

Anyway, we had a huge falling out when he was 16.  It was the most painful time in my life, the subsequent separation from him.  There were harsh words spoken, anger, and a physical separation that ripped my life apart.  Literally, I struggled with depression, anxiety and my wine consumption tripled during this time.  I missed him desperately and hated what had transpired between us.  One misunderstanding led to another, and our relationship spiraled into a place of total decay.  If I could go back, I would have embraced him from the beginning when I became aware of his struggle and chosen soft words and just listened more.  I would never have judged him.  I now judge no one.  We all have our crosses we bear.  Religion can be extremely harsh and ugly, and I hate the twisted way it affected me during these important years with my son.  

To end, I am so thankful the past is in the past.  I have broken free from untruths in my upbringing, prejudice and judgement that comes from small mindsets of religion, and thank God daily my son and I have reconciled.  I totally dig him.  We have always been so alike.  I am extremely blessed to have such a friend in my son.  I love him, I love being around him, I am so interested in his mind and what drives him, his joys, defeats, obstacles, and yes, even his boyfriends.  There is just no way NOTHING could ever separate my love or me from him ever again, and now I have the rest of my life to show him my acceptance, my personal growth, my understanding and my undying love for him.  One day I hope he completely understands and forgives me for the years when I was not there for him.  This was never my heart speaking or in action, rather it was ignorance, pride and anger.

Kevin, I love you.  You rock my world and always have.  I hope one day I can be the kind of mother Sally Fields is to her son, Sam, to you.

~Mom


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hdvyvLhw2s&feature=share