A few weeks ago (may be it was a month ago?) I briefly wrote about the goings on with my son and how much I hate mental illness. The "goings on" continue through today.
Unfortunately, time is not always the best healer. Sometimes the more time involved not mending a relationship can intensify the pain and deepen the damage.
Even if he apologized today, I would not trust him. Even if he apologized tonight, my heart would be guarded. I do not think I can handle one more of these melt-downs he has. At least not today or this week or this month.
My son will be 27 years old. He should be mature enough, responsible enough, man enough to make this right. But, it seems like he stopped growing emotionally when he was 15 and the mental illness took over. I keep reminding myself of this to avoid extreme hardness and loud anger. My losing it surely will not help him or rebuild from the splinter of the bridge left.
Since a few weeks ago he has included my husband in his rants. The worst came via text message, all in caps (of course meaning he was yelling), addressed to my husband saying "you stole my Mommy" and "you changed her forever into a cold, hard-hearted person." Twist the knife he did. He keeps flipping back and forth between delusional and crying out, then becomes abusive in his conversations.
I realize that my son must be hurting deeply. This melt-down has been the worst between us and I do fear the worst because I have not seen him quite this way before. The math equation of mental illness+drugs+alcohol+the loss of a father+the abuse of a step father+terrible choices and life experiences=his lashing out at me. But, I can no longer tolerate his treatment and words this way. Each day that goes by where we do not talk, I cannot see his face or hear his voice, or even know how he is doing is very difficult and painful. I am choosing silence. If that makes me cold and hard-hearted, then so be it. I hope one day he will come to his senses and realize how much his family loves him. I hope one day he will come to his senses and realize the preciousness of being loved. I hope and pray daily that his difficult life and mindset does not take him away before being well. I will continue to hope, yet will remain silent until he makes amends. He usually does, but not yet, not this time.
~Wendy
This morning I watched the video of actress, Sally Field, accepting the HRC’s Ally for Equality Award on behalf of equality rights and her son, Sam introducing her, and I felt a mixture of regret, sadness and hope. What a beautiful woman Sally Fields is, inside and out. I wish with all my heart I would have been the kind of mother like Sally with my son, especially during his teenage years when he struggled privately with his sexual identity. If I could go back in time and change anything in my entire life, it would be these years with him. The past is in the past, but certainly leaves its mark.
(Video posted at conclusion)
First off, let me travel back in time, to some of my past. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home. Alcoholism, violence, and just total disaccord affected the life of my brothers and I. Trust me, we learned to keep many secrets ourselves. One main strand that was woven through the fabric in our family was prejudice of all types, which my father strongly displayed, along with a strict Catholic and then Christian upbringing. I have since separated “religion” from “the love of Jesus.” Two complete polar opposites. I grew up under judgement, fear, shame and standards that left a residue. Hence, homosexuality was something to fear and try to change, as well as a subject I pretty much knew nothing about. The only things I knew came from the movie, “Deliverance” and what happened to men in jail. Never in my life did I want either of my sons going through something like this!
When I found out my son was gay, I panicked. Literally. I went into some kind of shock. The past came rushing in and I had no idea how to handle anything. I reacted instead of responding. And nothing remotely close to resembling Sally Fields. One struggle I did have was the war going on in my heart: my love for my son versus what I had been taught growing up and in churches. Mix in lack of any kind of understanding or education of how someone feels coming out and their struggles made for just some despairing couple of years with my son. In my mind, I could be the one to “save” him out of this lifestyle and it was my job to try to do this. This was a horrendous burden to carry and even more horrendous for my son.
However, most importantly, one of my main battles was the fact that my son was having sexual encounters as a minor. Most parents would find this difficult as well and would strive to prevent. I do not think he realizes that it did not matter to me at the time in essence whether he was gay or straight, it was all about the sexual activity as a minor.
Anyway, we had a huge falling out when he was 16. It was the most painful time in my life, the subsequent separation from him. There were harsh words spoken, anger, and a physical separation that ripped my life apart. Literally, I struggled with depression, anxiety and my wine consumption tripled during this time. I missed him desperately and hated what had transpired between us. One misunderstanding led to another, and our relationship spiraled into a place of total decay. If I could go back, I would have embraced him from the beginning when I became aware of his struggle and chosen soft words and just listened more. I would never have judged him. I now judge no one. We all have our crosses we bear. Religion can be extremely harsh and ugly, and I hate the twisted way it affected me during these important years with my son.
To end, I am so thankful the past is in the past. I have broken free from untruths in my upbringing, prejudice and judgement that comes from small mindsets of religion, and thank God daily my son and I have reconciled. I totally dig him. We have always been so alike. I am extremely blessed to have such a friend in my son. I love him, I love being around him, I am so interested in his mind and what drives him, his joys, defeats, obstacles, and yes, even his boyfriends. There is just no way NOTHING could ever separate my love or me from him ever again, and now I have the rest of my life to show him my acceptance, my personal growth, my understanding and my undying love for him. One day I hope he completely understands and forgives me for the years when I was not there for him. This was never my heart speaking or in action, rather it was ignorance, pride and anger.
Kevin, I love you. You rock my world and always have. I hope one day I can be the kind of mother Sally Fields is to her son, Sam, to you.
~Mom
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hdvyvLhw2s&feature=share
